How to win back someone’s trust when you’ve really messed up

WHEN IT LOOKS IMPOSSIBLE
TO GET HER BACK..

Webster’s Dictionary defines “trust” as the “belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.”

Gaining someone’s trust is precious. Sacred. It deepens relationships and nurtures respect.

And yet, it is so easy to lose that trust — if you betray it. Just like a beautifully-knit sweater. Pull on one loose thread, and the entire sweater will unravel … so quickly.

And it is so difficult to earn that trust back. As the cyclist Lance Armstrong told Oprah, during an interview after his performance-enhancing drug use was exposed to the world, ”I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to earn back trust and trying to apologize to people … for the rest of my life.”

So, how can you win back someone’s trust when you’ve really messed up? What can you do or say? And what if they refuse — or simply don’t want you in their life anymore?

It’s not easy, and to be honest, it’s not always possible to do.

But if you want to try to mend a relationship, this article is for you.

“I screwed up, big time. What can I do to prove that I’ve changed?”

The only way to prove that you’ve changed is by behaving in a trustworthy way, consistently.

It’s not that hard to say, “I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again. I promise.” Many people actually find that quite easy. 

Nor is it that hard to try to make up by buying flowers, or candy, or sending a heartfelt, “Please forgive me” note.

But actually changing your behavior — making good on your word, consistently — that’s where your challenge lies. 

To do this, you may need to dig deep within yourself to make the necessary changes — to bring a stronger “you” to the relationship.

“What about apologizing? What should I say?”

 

If you have the opportunity to apologize, take it.

Let the person you’ve hurt know your intentions: “I have addressed the issue that caused this to happen. This will never happen again.”


Words do matter, and words can help. But again, they mean very little … unless you change your behavior, as well.

“They still don’t trust me. How long does it take to earn back someone’s trust?”

There is no set time. It depends on the nature of the relationship, what you did, and how your behavior has impacted the other person.

Generally speaking, though, if both of you genuinely want to repair the relationship and mend the loss of trust, that’s a great sign.

As long as you consistently refrain from the off-limits behavior — and as long as the person you’ve hurt is willing to let go, forgive and move on — then your relationship has a good chance of getting back on its feet, and growing even stronger. Eventually, you’ll both be more resilient because of this challenge.

“What if they don’t want me in their life anymore?”

This is a painful situation, but it’s important to accept the other person’s choice and not try to talk them out of it, or manipulate them into changing their mind.

Perhaps their refusal means they’re hurting inside. That’s understandable. The best thing to do (as tough as this may sound) is to respect their feelings and wishes — giving them space in the hopes that one day, they may have a change of heart.

“It’s too awful. I just can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done.”

Punishing yourself isn’t the answer.

If you let these feelings of shame and self-hatred keep building up, you’ll eventually lash out at someone else that you love — venting your anger in an unhealthy way, leading to more hurt feelings and regret.

Take the steps that you need to take to release your feelings of grief and shame. (The exercises that I share in my series of Life Guides can help. Talking to a coach or psychologist like me can help, too.)

Once you have forgiven yourself for messing up, you can return to your natural state of being — a state of self-love, where you will naturally want to treat yourself (and others) with the care and respect they deserve. In that state, you won’t have to “try” to do what is right. You just will.

Now here are few tips how can you do this.. 

1. Start Out Slow

There's no reason to dive right back into your relationship when your partner has violated your trust. If you and your partner choose to work things out, take this time to re-evaluate the situation. The relationship you once had is no longer there, and now is the time to casually date again without any pressure to see if you can learn to move forward in the relationship. If you rush back into it, you can easily jump back into old habits and lose sight of the problems you both need to work on. According to PsychCentral, therapist Michael J. Salas explained that if you were the one that betrayed your partner, it would seem like you don't have respect for your partner's feelings by trying to force them to get over the situation.

2. Reach An Understanding

Best Tips To Say Sorry To Your Girlfriend After Fight

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When you and your partner are trying to bring trust back into the the relationship, it's best for both of you to have a clear understanding of each others' feelings. When discussing the situation, try to see it from your partner's point of view. Comprehend why they are upset and discuss how and why the trust was broken to begin with. When my ex cheated on me, I needed my feelings to be understood before I could move forward with the relationship in any way at all. Even though my ex and I broke up for different reasons later in the relationship, at the time, he made me feel like I was being heard when we discussed the infidelity, and that reassured me that we could work through that particular problem. There's a better chance for the trust to be regained when your partner feels like their feelings are being heard and respected.

3. Apologize Correctly

Properly apologizing to your SO is one of the most important things you can do when you are trying to rebuild trust. You have to apologize effectively, though, and not just for the sake of it, either. If you don't know what you are apologizing for, then there's no way for the relationship to completely heal. Instead of just saying, "I'm sorry," apologize for the specific reason trust was broken. For example, try saying, "I'm sorry that I broke your trust in that way, and I was wrong for the way I treated you." And don't give excuses when you are apologizing either, said psychiatrist Scott Haltzman in an article for the Huffington Post. The gesture won't seem genuine. Your or your partner needs to accept the responsibility.

4. Don't Let Your Partner Doubt You

If both of you decide to work through the issues and continue to stay together, there should be no reason for your partner to doubt you from that point forward. Of course, trust is not going to be regained overnight, but if you or your partner choose to be sneaky or continue to give excuses, then the relationship is probably not going to work. According to Psychology Today, Dr. Joe Kort explained that when it comes to trust, both individuals need to be completely transparent with their actions and words. Don't let your SO feel like they are in the dark. If you do, they may continue to question everything that you do and that will only hinder the relationship from growing stronger.

5. Don't Harp On The Past

The beginning stages of rebuilding trust are never easy, but if you and your partner decide to give the relationship a shot, you have to be OK with slowly letting the past go. It's not a good idea to jump back into the relationship like nothing had ever happened, but for you to have a successful future with your SO, you can't keep on bringing up the past in arguments — keep the discussions in the present, said professional matchmaker Paul C. Brunson in an article from his personal website. If you both decide to work on this, you have to leave the past in the past and start to work on the goal that you both agreed to. Instead of harping on the past, try to focus your energy on the present and take things one day at a time. The situation is not going to be fixed overnight, but if you see promise in your relationship, then there's always hope.

6. Be Patient And Don't Add Pressure To The Relationship

Healing will involve a lot of patience. Because being able to trust a partner again doesn't happen as quickly as we would like, we have to realize that being patient and not applying pressure to the relationship is one of the most effective ways to rebuild a relationship. If you start applying a timeline to when everything should feel healed again, then you are only going to give yourself more stress. According to The Huffington Post, marriage and family therapist Sheri Meyers wrote, "rebuilding trust means rebuilding your credibility." And that is going to take time. Don't forget that it's OK to live day by day. Start enjoying the little moments with your SO and learn to appreciate each other again.
If you and your SO want to work things out and get back together, remember that it's going to take a lot of time to heal. Knowing how to apologize and how to communicate is key when regaining trust in a relationship. It will take a lot of hard work, but it can be worth it once everything is out in the open.

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